November 28th, 2018
The semester is coming to a close, and as much as I want to be a person who exudes positivity, I’m not going to lie when I say I’m struggling a little bit across the board (no more than any other college student, though!). There’s just enough going on to the point where everything feels hectic, and I’m simultaneously reflecting on the past, worrying about the future, and just generally feeling two steps behind everyone else. That comparison, in fact, is the root of my struggles- even though I’m surrounded by erudite classmates and friends, so I should logically feel motivated, my default state tends to be self-deprecation. Even though I know “comparison is the thief of joy”, when I’m surrounded by creators, innovators, philosophers, and more, it becomes so easy to beat myself up because I feel like I’m nowhere near the same level as them.
As much as I want to be in solidarity with my fellow students, sometimes I have to ask myself the uncomfortable question of “What do I have to offer that they don’t?” This is especially prevalent in terms of job applications, internship opportunities, class participation, the interactions we have, and other aspects of life. I feel like I haven’t done enough to make myself stand out among a crowd, but instead of motivating me to work harder and refine myself, it makes me more withdrawn and hopeless about my future. I find that I’m regretting what I’ve been doing in the present (which, oddly enough, becomes the past…), which transitions into me being afraid about having nothing to show for myself after college.
Like I mentioned in my last post, I also miss being young and not having this sense of constant urgency. I know I can’t revert back to my childhood, and I know I have to be exposed to pain and making mistakes, but I’m afraid I’m regretting some of my college experience instead of relishing it. I don’t like feeling this way- moving forward, I primarily want to be more mindful and do every assignment to the best of my ability, which sounds daunting but rewarding. Working hard will keep me busy, distracted, and hopefully happy with my still-developing work ethic, but I know these feelings won’t easily dissipate over time. There’s much more I can write, all about regret and moving forward and honesty, but this post got so much out of me that I feel like I can move on, even if it’s just a tiny step. 🙂